A Murder Mystery

One More Thing

This week, my lamp melted. 😦

I am very distraught over the tragic end of this lamp, who has enabled me to read in light and comfort for the past two months in which I have been attending college. He will be missed.

I’d like to set the scene for you. It’s four AM on a dark, misty morning. I switch on the lamp (which clips onto my bed) so I can find my sweatshirt. I cross over to the opposite side of the room where I begin to notice something smells like it’s burning. I check on my laptop, and then the fridge, but come to the conclusion that I must just be paranoid.

I cross back over to turn off the lamp, and find this:


Warning: The damage depicted in this next image is pretty graphic.

So, I’m a little concerned, seeing as my mattress almost became flambé. But more than that, I am very confused. What exactly happened this morning, and not every other morning, that caused my lamp to turn into a Salvador Dali?

I’ve come to the conclusion that this was no mere accident. So I’ve rounded up the suspects for you.

Suspect #1:

The Television

The Motive:

Mr. Television was picked up at a deluxe Walmart and showed up at Hofstra fresh out of the box. He thought he was a big shot, with his wide-screeniness and ridiculously-unneccessary sizeness (my bad). But it soon became clear that poor Mr. TV would be doomed to a life of neglect, as he was replaced by Netflix and Hulu. With his unfortunate placement near the bed, he was tortured every morning and night by the knowledge that even the lamp got more use than him. And so, driven mad by jealousy, he hatched a devious plan for revenge, joined by his accomplices:

Mr. DVD Player and Ms. Remote. Don't be fooled by their innocent appearance.

Suspect #2:

     The Alarm Clock

The Motive:

I rely on my alarm clock more than any other electronic device in the room (except    maybe my laptop). I don’t wake up to my phone alarm or the alarm on my computer, so  without this guy I’d be lost. I believe he might have grown jealous that Mr. Lamp  helped me out in ways he could not, no matter how bright those little green digital  numbers tried to shine. Plus, his proximity to the scene of the crime is a major red flag.

Suspect #3:

Elliot the Lion

He just has a shifty look about him.

  So there you go. All the suspects have been rounded up; it’s only a matter of time. My poor lamp will not go unavenged! If any of these shady characters arouse your suspicions, leave a comment and let me know. 🙂 La justice sera servie!

Till Monday!

– Amy


4 thoughts on “A Murder Mystery

  1. Sorry, but I think Elliot just looks offended — no, not even so much offended as patiently saddened — that you would suspect him of wrongdoing. I mean, look at that face! After all, he stepped in to help you in the darkest hour of your life, and stuck with you through thick and thin for 9 years. And now, he’s suspected of doing in a mere lamp? Poor Elliot! He deserved better from you. (And to underscore this drama, a balloon just exploded spontaneously in the dining room. I kid you not! We blew up balloons for Jonathan’s birthday party, and they were old and unstable, and they’ve been blowing themselves up [so to speak] one at a time ever since.)

    And the alarm clock? No, unlikely; why would Mr Alarm clock be envious? You turn to him the last thing every night and the first thing every morning; I think he’s pretty secure. (If anything, he might be jealous of your phone, when you sleep through him and get a wakeup call; but not the lamp!)

    Ah, but the neglected TV and DVD player… well, I have to admit they’re prime suspects in this matter. You really should put on a DVD once in a while, or tune in to the campus announcement channel… just to let him know you care. You don’t want something like this to happen again!

    Meanwhile… um, perhaps your next bed lamp shouldn’t be the cheapest glittery silver plastic thing from Walmart. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time… 😉

  2. None of the above. I think the fridge did it. It’s jealous of the shiny clean surface of the lamp and embarrassed by its’ contents of old smelly food and spills left to harden and grow mold.

  3. Oh wow, you guys.
    A, we used the TV today! To watch Pocahontas. 🙂
    B, I don’t know if the fridge could’ve managed to get over there without me noticing. It’s kind of hefty.
    C, there is no old or moldy food in my fridge. Thanks.

  4. You have a flat-screen tv ~ now I am jealous ~ good thing I am above suspicion and not-an-electronic-device. Maybe the “occupy wall street” people heard you were over-applianced. Sabotage!

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